@trojansauce

DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically

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@panmidwest

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

@rolldiggity

1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

@stephenjmolloy

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

@TheGirlPie

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@DanteEvilCat

“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@aidanjsears

ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok