[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.
ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok