@trojansauce

DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically

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@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@_HannersNanners

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

@aotakeo

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

@theshamingofjay

Cop: did you do it?
Me: no
Cop: you know it’s truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it’s actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who’s your crush then

@mrjohndarby

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

@sixfootcandy

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

@80sjams

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

@mostunladylike

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.