DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically

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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.


If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.


Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat


You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.


Cop: did you do it?
Me: no
Cop: you know it’s truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it’s actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who’s your crush then


her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best


Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!


I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.


Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped