DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
sistine chapel
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Put a ring on it
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes