POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
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Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me driving through Toronto
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it