I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.