DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”