date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

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Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them


*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders


Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere


ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.


The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.


Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.


Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza


The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children


Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.