date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

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[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.


I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude


I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.


Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.


*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!


My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔


Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.


ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors


Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.


“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*