1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Put this video in the Louvre
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world