@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

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@TheTobbie

CASHIER: 300.

ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.

CASHIER: …

ME: Ha, like a mime…

@jonnysun

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

@iwearaonesie

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

@uberpaki

My fellow Canadians,

Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us.

Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things

@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@notacroc

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

@alexlumaga

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this