@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

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@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@tsm560

Me: I’m a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: You just said…
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.

@coffeeandvinyl1

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

@JElvisWeinstein

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

@CrashTestDrummy

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

@Prof_Hinkley

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?

5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!

Me: But why did you….wait, what?