DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Found the job I’m suited for
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.