DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

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It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.

So I tell everyone here.


If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.


“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.


[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…


It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim


Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.


The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows


you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair


“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”