@Sickayduh

DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom

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@Tmoney68

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

@dog_feelings

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

@bazecraze

Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.

@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

@mom_ontherocks

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

@slimthicccins

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@Shellsterca

*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet