When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter