@KKAlThani

Date tip: buy a calendar

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@ednition

I’m not letting anyone into my head until I’ve cleaned up the place.

@lovemyboots111

I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off

@Pork_Chop_Hair

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@TankCesar

My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

@Vodkantots

Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?

@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.