Date tip: buy a calendar

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The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.


My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.


a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock


If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.


I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.


This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.


Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.


Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.