@KKAlThani

Date tip: buy a calendar

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@Sarcasmo718

The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@DrunkMidLife

If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

@hellohappy_time

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.