Date tip: buy a calendar

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I’m not letting anyone into my head until I’ve cleaned up the place.


I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off


There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.


“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out


My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.


Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.


Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?


I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?


My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.