@ParasiteHilton

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

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@joshy_beck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@heatherlou_

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

@thatUPSdude

Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here

My dog when we go for a walk.

@MariyaAlexander

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

@usermcuserface

You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@JennyJohnsonHi5

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.