Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
called in thicc to work this morning
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Not today, today.
Not today.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.