@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

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@eliyudin

ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

@hippieswordfish

ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess…yes? i don’t know, what was the question again
INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive

@lawyerthoughts

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

@Stop_Trump20

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@Reverend_Scott

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

@garbagecoven

*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato

*friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something

@4SLars

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.