Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
watergate? u mean a dam??
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.