Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?
me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy
date: are you lactose intolerant?
me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’