@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

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@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@thenoahkinsey

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

@Brianhopecomedy

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

@awkwardphilippe

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

@davidkenny100

“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

@sixthformpoet

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

@Birdhumms

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned