@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

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@Brianhopecomedy

Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@shatterpants

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

@malt_skull

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

@KentWGraham

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@sixfootcandy

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@girl_a_whirl

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

@DiamondLou69

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

@AtticusFinch79

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing