Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
This is always good for a laugh.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?