@fro_vo

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

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@Donna_McCoy

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

@metickleu

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

@SarcasticSadOne

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@kieransofar

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?