date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
You Might Also Like
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
🙄😏😂🤣
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life