Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?