@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

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@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@ClichedOut

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

@aLunchBox

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

@dksc4life

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

@RodLacroix

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

@Marlebean

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus