Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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*making a phone call* please don鈥檛 pick up please don鈥檛 pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
This line from Airplane.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
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Squash
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.鈽狅笍
water it, i dare you
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My belly don鈥檛 jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
ME: I can鈥檛 believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Hi, I鈥檓 Amanda and I stew on things that could鈥檝e been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It鈥檚 going to be tight; we can do it.
detective: this鈥檒l make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?