Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive