DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.