Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
m’lady
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Cardio Made Easy
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Noah
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.