obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*mops up wine with cat*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.