@NOTVIKING

date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill

me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill

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@verycozy

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”

When do I get to go to heaven?

@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@Thedudish

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

@_davidlucas_

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

@Jeffwni

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”