ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill
me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill
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My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”
When do I get to go to heaven?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
h: nice hotel?
h: pretend to be homeless
Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”