date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill

me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill

You Might Also Like


ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what


My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”

When do I get to go to heaven?


You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.


[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES


Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.


My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”


The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.


Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude


I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.


– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_


– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”