date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
This is what makes twitter great
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink