DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?