date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.