[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.