@ArfMeasures

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

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@FunkyFresh_79

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

@Juststopkate

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@ericsshadow

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@junejuly12

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

@_ElvishPresley_

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.