DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
BETRAYAL
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️