Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Stop.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.