*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
✌️
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic