My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
listen closely
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.