@CornOnTheGoblin

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

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@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

@SteveSuckington

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

@RodLacroix

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

@AndrewNadeau0

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@_mindflakes

Did you know that 1 in 5 people are fruit bats? Look at 4 of your friends. If none of them are fruit bats, it’s you. You’re a fruit bat.

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

@Brianhopecomedy

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

@tastefactory

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things