Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Well, that should do it
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”