Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Ugh
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Buying a well is money well spent.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.