Settle down, Levi’s commercial. You are talking about pants.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.
[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”
Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Her: Are you day drinking again?
Me: *frantically hides a six pack of Saturdays behind my back*
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*