@RdrJay47

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

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@UnFitz

An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@shahnischmani

Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”

@bobsaget

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

@GrantTanaka

I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

@UnFitz

Her: Are you day drinking again?

Me: *frantically hides a six pack of Saturdays behind my back*

@IamEveryDayPpl

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*