Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.