DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad