date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December