Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My five year plan is a meteorite
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.