[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
the best thing i’ve ever made
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.