“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I can’t deal with men any longer
multitasking lunch
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?