Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I’m confused about plants
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.