Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

You Might Also Like




{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*


[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”


Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.


me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course


When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”


Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.


friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes



‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave


Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.