Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
You Might Also Like
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.