@DaddyJew

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

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@Megatronic13

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

@goodballs

[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”

@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

@tiemoose

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

@bridger_w

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

@aotakeo

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

@sofarrsogud

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

@dshack8

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.