Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.