[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.