Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!
ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it
OLD LADY: oh thank you!
ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.