[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.