Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson