[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.