@MarlonBrandNO

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

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@stockejock

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

@sixfootcandy

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

@EdwindelaRenta

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

@JulesC70

Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.

@weinerdog4life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@mynameshank

WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.