WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Me: it should be called a threek
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“Meh” -apathetic cow
Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.