optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)
Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My husband is back from hunting. Thanks for nothing, bears.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Dyslexic, but I have a cunning stunt.