@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

You Might Also Like

@drankturpentine

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

@Marlebean

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

@better_off_dad2

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@sixfootcandy

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

@samalmightysam

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.