[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”