[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
They must have gotten it to go.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”