@UncleDuke1969

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

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@StansaidAirport

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

@iamspacegirl

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

@kellyoxford

“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.

@sweetg35

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

@HatfieldAnne

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.