I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.