It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
– a casual ghost