GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

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me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.


*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot

*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid


HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”


I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.


[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]