[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
getting corrected
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.