@WheelTod

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

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@ArfMeasures

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

@SoGoFu

Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you

@heyevergreen

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@Kids_kubed

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

@WhaJoTalkinBout

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

@jonnysun

phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget