Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect


I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane


Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you


Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.


To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people


tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running


phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget