PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Me: I’m a monger
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget