@WheelTod

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

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@TheMichaelRock

We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.

– the government

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@yerpalmildsauce

WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”

@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

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@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

@i_eat_fruit

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@tiemoose

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months