We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.
– the government
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Me: I’m a monger
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”
What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter