[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.