[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
You Might Also Like
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.