@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

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@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over

@kyle_thatisall

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

@Mytwoscentz

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

@TheAlexP

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

@wit_haze

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

@ashmensch

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

@VisionBored1

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.

@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early