[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
You Might Also Like
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.